How to build relationships effectively with Empathy & Individualization

Empathy and Individualization are my top 2 talent themes, and they have been my go-to talent themes for building relationships, and other times, it can scare people and cause an Amygdala Hijack.

In my past 3 years of running my StrengthsFinder Meetup Groups, I’ve often done what I call “crystal ball gazing” with my new members.  This is where I take a look at their top 5 talent themes and describe their habits, values, frustrations, challenges, and even desires.  This strength I have due to my talents (Empathy, Individualisation), Skills (Coaching, Active Listening) & Knowledge (StrengthsFinder, NLP)

Strengths Development Formula
Talent x Investment (Skills & Knowledge) = Strength

People often respond with a pleasant surprise, a sheepish grin, and sometimes a denial, although the denial soon  turns into increase self-awareness and they gradually admit to what was said.  While these responses are typical in my meetup sessions because we have created a safe environment with a culture of acceptance and mutual support.  Outside of the meetups, things can take a very different turn.

In the past, when I was much younger, I was very curious about what it would be like to be other people.  It was natural for me to put myself in other peoples shoes and get really curious about others.  And sometimes, I had identified emotions and thoughts that were deemed to be private, and made the other person felt exposed or emotionally naked.  These situations often lead to a sudden feeling of discomfort, a quick change of topic, or a total communication shutdown.

What happened here?

People may experience an amygdala hijack if they feel too exposed or naked.

What is Amygdala Hijack?

Amygdala hijack is a term coined by Daniel Goleman in his 1996 book Emotional Intelligence: Why It Can Matter More Than IQ. Drawing on the work of Joseph E. LeDoux, Goleman uses the term to describe emotional responses from people which are immediate and overwhelming, and out of measure with the actual stimulus because it has triggered a much more significant emotional threat.

The amygdala is the center of the brain that controls this response, and also controls empathy; when it feels threatened, it can respond not just irrationally, but destructively.  The commonly know fight-or-flight response is also triggered by the amygdala.

Here are three signs of an amgdyala hijack: strong emotional reaction, sudden onset, and “when you reflect later, you realize it was inappropriate”.

Theme Descriptions for Empathy and Individualization

In short, people high in Empathy are able to sense other people’s emotions, sometimes even before others are fully aware of it.  People high in individualisation often are able to see what makes a person unique, and also what makes them tick.  This allows them to get an understanding of why people do what they do, and what some of the drivers behind those behaviours are.

You can read the full theme description from the Gallup Business Journal here:
Empathy Theme Description
Individualization Theme Description

How Empathy and Individualization may cause Amygdala Hijacking

With high Empathy and Individualisation, we often look for how people feel and think.  This can sometimes help us to see certain thoughts and feelings that people aren’t ready to show to others.  When others see what people don’t want to see, it can cause them to feel threatened, and respond in negative ways.

x Ways to build relationships effectively

1. Start Slow – Build the relationship one level at a time
   Build trust and openness by using the 5 levels of intimacy.  As someone with high Empathy and Individualization, we may sometimes want to short-cut or speedup the process.  But remember that moving too fast can scare the other person.

   Level One: Safe Communication
   Level Two: Sharing Other peoples’ Opinions and Beliefs
   Level Three: Personal Opinions and Beliefs
   Level Four: My Feelings and Experiences
   Level Five: My Needs, Emotions and Desires

2. Ask for Permission
   When you identify something that you sense a person may hold quite privately, ask for permission to broach the subject, and make it easy for the person to reject the request.  This shows that you respect the person, and can prevent an amygdala hijack.
3. Display Openness and Acceptance
   Many people hold back their thoughts and feelings for fear of being judged.  By being open and curious about the person, you create the safe space for the person to share.  If it is a sensitive topic, the person will probably test your response by sharing small bits of information.  Stay open and accepting, and you open the door for more meaningful and open discussions.

What are some ways that you build effective relationships with other people?  Share them in the comments below!

Get more information about StrengthsFinder by visiting http://gallupstrengthscenter.com