I recently came across this article “How to be a Truth-Teller in the Trenches of Leadership” by Scott Cochrane. And although the article was in the context of leadership, I believe that telling the truth is crucial building trust in any relationship.
Extracting and paraphrasing from Scott’s article, there are three times when the ability to speak the truth is both challenging, yet trust building at the same time.
- When the truth makes you look weak
- When the truth makes you look fallible
- When the truth makes you look wrong
As I look at these 3 items, I can’t help but be reminded of Brene Brown’s book “Daring Greatly” and her research into shame and vulnerability. One question I had for myself was, what makes it so difficult to speak the truth in these scenarios….. and I’m reminded that it makes us vulnerable. So often times to manage our own fears and vulnerability, we put up defences and walls, we wear masks, and we hide. But by putting up these defences, we remove the capacity for connection and to build trust. Ironically, by being able to speak the truth in these situations, trust is built.
Borrowing from Brene Brown’s book, one of the ways that we can build up our capacity for telling the truth, is to build up our capacity for vulnerability, and one way to do that is to build shame resilience. Here are the 3 steps from Brene Brown’s book:
- Practice courage and reach out!
Reach out to someone you can trust to share the incident. Not just anyone, but someone who has earn the right to you being vulnerable to the person. - Talk to yourself the way you would talk to someone you really love and whom you are trying to comfort in the midst of a melt-down.
We often give other people grace, but give ourselves much lesser due to expectations of self or others. Being able to speak to ourselves compassionately is important. - Own the Story!
Don’t bury it or let it fester and define you. Brene often says this to herself “If you own this story, you get to write the ending.” To me it means that when you take responsibility, you empower yourself to make a positive influence on the situation rather than become a victim of it.
Finally, recognise that the source of shame is often times being in a culture of scarcity (“never enough”) and trying to live up to these expectations. The antidote is to adopt a belief that we are “enough”. With a sense of “enough” comes an embrace of worthiness, boundaries and engagement. Some examples of this are:
- I am enough (worthiness vs shame)
- I’ve had enough (boundaries vs one-uping and comparison
- Showing up, taking risks, and letting myself be seen is enough (engagement vs disengagement)
There’s a lot more in Brene Brown’s book, and I highly recommend that you read it and let the contents go through you a couple of times.
Coming back to truth telling, a sense of being “enough”, and building shame resilience helps you to be available and vulnerable. Being able to be vulnerable builds your capacity to tell the truth even when it makes you look bad, and telling the truth in turn builds relationships.
How would your own relationships change when you build your own capability for vulnerability and truth-telling?
