The way that we talk is habitual and mostly unconscious to us, and the way we talk can have predictable impact on the people we talk to. If you find that your relationship tends to be strained when you are chatting, or especially when you are having a crucial conversation, then you will find this article useful.
When we talk: The impact of unconscious behaviour and thoughts
There are several aspects to consider when preparing for our conversation. Naturally, we will want to pick a time when our state is more calm and collected, and for some of us when we had ample time to prepare.
There are always three speeches, for every one you actually gave.
– Dale Carnegie
The one you practiced, the one you gave, and the one you wish you gave.
We all have had experiences when the words that came out of our mouths were not the ones we had planed to say, and at times, the words we had told ourselves not to use can just come out unconsciously. That’s because the way we communicate is often dictated by our unconscious beliefs and values.
It is useful to examine and become more self-aware of your own beliefs and value with regards to the other person and the relationship as your words and gestures will communicate what you belief regardless of what you had planned to say.
For example, if you believe that a person is intentionally pitting himself/herself against you, you will naturally become more wary and suspicious. When you are wary and suspicious, you will likely ask questions that are more pointed, your tone will likely be more harsh, and the body language more hostile.
Take the time to explore the following questions for yourself:
- What do I believe about the relationship?
- What do I believe about myself and my role in the relationship?
- What do I believe about the other person, and that person’s role in the relationship?
It is important not to be judgmental about the beliefs that surface, but rather be as honest and authentic with yourself as possible. It is only when we face our beliefs honestly, can we address them.
Why we talk: Creating a safe space
Conversations cannot flow freely when there is no psychological safety. So what is psychological safety?
Psychological safety is a belief that one will not be punished or humiliated for speaking up with ideas, questions, concerns or mistakes.”
– Amy Edmondson, Harvard Business School Professor
You can create a safe space by establishing and maintaining:
- Mutual Objective
- Mutual Respect
When you have a clear objective of why you are having the conversation, it will help to remove doubt and also keep the focus on the positive. For example, is the objective to help improve the relationship, or to tell someone how terrible they are for doing (or not doing) something?
How would your conversations change when your focus on the “Why” of the conversation changes?
What we talk about: 5 Levels of Intimacy
The 5 levels of intimacy is a good way to look at how safe you feel in your relationship, and the quality of the conversation you have with others. You can use it as a guide on how to go deeper in your conversations with others.
Level 1: Safe Communication
The lowest level is called “safe” because it involves the exchange of facts and information. There are no feelings, opinions, or personal vulnerability involved, and therefore no risk of rejection. This is the kind of interaction we have with people we don’t know well.
Level 2: Other’s Opinion and Beliefs
At level two we start sharing other people’s thoughts, beliefs, and opinions. We are beginning to reveal more of ourselves through our associations. This is slightly more vulnerable than level one, but because we’re not sharing our own opinions we can distance ourselves from the opinion if we feel threatened by criticism or rejection.
Level 3: Personal Opinion and Beliefs
By sharing our own thoughts, opinions and beliefs, we are taking a bigger risk, and making ourselves more vulnerable. However, should this not turn out the way we want, we can always say that we’ve had a change of heart, or thought it through some more – and so avoid potential conflict or pain.
Level 4: My Feelings and Experiences
Sharing feelings and experiences is the next level of vulnerability and intimacy. At this level we talk about: our joys, pain, and failures; our mistakes in the past, our dreams, and our goals; what we like or don’t like, and; what makes us who we are. This level is more vulnerable because we can’t change how we feel about something or the details of our past or current experiences. If we sense we may be rejected or criticized, all we can do is try to convince others that we’re no longer impacted by our past. We’re no longer that person. We’re different now.
Level 5: My Needs Emotions and Desires
Level five is the highest level of intimacy. It is the level where we are known at the deepest core of who we are. Because of that, it is the level that requires the greatest amount of trust. If I can’t trust that you won’t reject me, I’ll never be able to share my deepest self with you. It’s also the level where we let others see how we react to things emotionally, warts and all. To everybody else, we may present the facade of a successful business person; only our best friend or partner is aware that losing that client, has left us feeling anything but.
As you look at the 5 Levels of Intimacy, how can you use it to enhance the quality of your relationships and the quality of your conversations?
How we talk: Strategies for Stronger Relationships
The way that we talk is often habitual, and what that means is that we often do not think about HOW we talk. There are several dimensions we can look at when looking at the way that we talk.
Matching and Mirroring
Borrowing from the field of Neuro-Linguistic Programming (NLP), one aspect of HOW we speak has to do with our preferred modality, and also our pace of speech. In NLP, Matching and Mirroring involves gestures as well, but in this article I’ll focus on the linguistic aspect of it.
Most of us have a primary modality when we think – Visual, Auditory, Kinesthetic, Olfactory and Gustatory, often referred to as VAKOG.
The next time you speak with someone, observe the language and metaphors that they use. You may hear things such as:
- Visual – Do you see what I mean?
- Auditory – Do you hear me?
- Kinesthetic – Do you catch what I’m saying?
- Olfactory – I smell a rat.
- Gustatory – That’s a sour way of speaking.
Try changing the language that you use to match what you are hearing, and you may suddenly find that the other person understands you better, and feels more understood.
Another thing to match and mirror would be the pace of speech. The speech at which a person speaks is often related to the modality they use (Visual thinkers then to be faster in speech, and kinesthetic thinkers tend to be slower in speech), and the speed that they think. Speak too quickly and they may not be able to follow, speak to slowly and their minds may start to wander.
Be aware of the voices that you are using
Based on the Soundwave Model, a person has 3 broad categories of voices – They either Ask, Tell or Suggest. Under each category are 3 voices, giving us a total of 9 different voices (Refer to diagram)
Each voice has its own brilliance, and when used well and in the correct context can help bring about positive impact. The beauty of knowing what your preferred voices are, and an awareness of what the other 9 voices are, is that you now are able to consciously decide how you speak with another person, thereby it’s impact.
I was speaking with a friend, Mary (name has been changed) recently. Her daughter came to her with the intention to start a veterinary with friend, and her automatic unconscious response was “You mean you already have sufficient clients to be successful?” Her daughter responded sarcastically “Thank you for your confidence in your daughter. It seems that you assume whatever I do will fail.” and she walked away.
Mary was using the Challenge voice, and when accentuated can sound like she is attacking someone. It causes a person to feel tense and defensive. But when used well, the challenge voice can help to disrupt a person’s thinking and cause a person to take powerful action. When Mary understood the 9 voices, she realized that she could use the asking voices first, such as the “inquiry” voice to demonstrate interest, and the “advise” voice so that she would help her daughter navigate the complex waters of entrepreneurship.
This very conscious decision of which voices to use is what I call a verbal strategy. And this is one example of how knowing what your voices are, and learning to use all 9 voices consciously and skillfully can do for you.
Click here to find out more about the Soundwave Profile.
Conclusion
When you address the WHEN, WHY, WHAT and HOW of our conversations, you will be able to enhance the quality of your conversations which will strengthen the relationships with those around you. Leave a comment to let me know your thoughts. Perhaps you have some tips of your own that you would like to share as well.
