In one of the webinars I attended, I was exposed to the idea of “Active-Constructive Response”, and here’s a nice diagram that came up in google when I did a search:
This helps us to think of how we respond on two axis:
(Active-Passive) and (Constructive-Destructive)
When someone comes to us with any type of news, for example: “I got a promotion at work today!” there are 4 different potential response styles:
1. Active-Constructive – Responding with enthusiasm and interest (That’s so fantastic! I know you’ve been waiting on this for a while. What’s exciting to you about your new role?)
2. Active-Destructive – This is where you point out the potential downsides or respond sarcastically (“Great! But that took you long enough. Your other colleague got promoted faster than you.” Or “You know now they’re going to expect even more of you.”)
3. Passive-Constructive – Here the comment is affirmed but without any interest or enthusiasm (“That’s cool.”)
4. Passive-Destructive – In this case the positive news is ignored or dismissed. (“I’m bored, shall we go to the movies?”)
Here is an exercise, adapted from Christopher Peterson’s book A Primer in Positive Psychology that will help you to become more cognizant of the way you communicate with others and adjust your responses to make for happier and healthier relationships with the people you love.
Practicing Active-Constructive Responding in your communication:
Choose a person with whom you are close and begin to pay attention to, and keeping track of, how you respond when he/she delivers good news. Do you respond with encouragement and enthusiasm, do you respond neutrally, or do you dismiss or tear down their positivity. Do you respond using the active-constructive method more frequently than anything else? If so, you already have an excellent relationship. Choose another person. Find someone who you do not interact with in a primarily positive way. Once you have a firm understanding of how you are interacting, make a conscious effort to shift this habit. Resolve to respond with active-constructive and notice how your relationship changes.
Good relationships are characterised active constructive responding between partners. Any other of the four response styles breeds negativity and too much of this is very harmful. Of course this does not mean you should throw common sense out the window. Some events indeed require criticism or caution. If your child announces fervently she is dropping out of school to become a rodeo clown or your best friend excitedly tells you she is eloping with a man she met on the subway yesterday you should not enthusiastically applaud them. Respond with appropriate consideration to the situation but focus on being supportive and constructive whenever possible.
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