At my most recent StrengthsFinder Meetup, we did a Strengths Scavenger Hunt and one of the Talent Themes that was discussed was Empathy. As two of the participants explored how Empathy showed up for them, both discovered that they were very good at putting themselves in the shoes of others, however the outcome of doing so was very different. One was motivated to take action to make things better, then other actually ended up feeling quite helpless.
What was going on?
Introducing NLP Perceptual Positions
Before we move on, I’d like to introduce what we call “Perceptual Positions” in Neuro-Linguistic Programming (NLP). Not re-inventing the wheel, here’s one of the better descriptions I’ve found while searching online. (Source: http://www.nlpls.com/articles/perceptualPositions.php)
There are four basic Perceptual Positions, one of which has three subtypes.
First Position: This is your own Perceptual Position as you, yourself, experience it. In NLP, we would call this a fully associated position. That is, you are fully in it and living it as if it is happening right now — which it is. In timeline work, if you imagined yourself going back to another time in your life, or forward to an imagined future, and you did so in first position — you would imagine the past or the future as if you were in that other time right now.
This is all imagination, by the way. No one imagining such things actually, factually believes they are time traveling. But your brain might be convinced enough to pop up with some very interesting insights.
Second Position: This is the Perceptual Position of an ‘other’. It’s the walking, seeing, hearing, feeling, thinking, believing, etc., in another man’s shoes. But it needn’t be a man or even a human. Second position can be that of a painting or any other object, an animal, a tree, a fictional character, an archetype, a mythical being, even a mathematical principle, an idea, a piece of music, or anything from an atom to the entire Universe, so long as it is represented as ‘other’ than the ‘you’ in first position. It can even be another part of your own mind or body. (Anyone remember the old Reader’s Digest stories with titles like, “I Am Joe’s Foot”?) Second position raises some interesting philosophical questions, but we won’t go into them here.
This position can be in direct communication with First Position. That is, if you adopted Second Position, and spoke to yourself in First Position, you would address yourself as ‘you’.
Third Position: This is the position with three subtypes. Each of them is a Perceptual Position outside the first two, and outside the communication loop going on between first and second positions. From third position, you are like an interested, but not directly involved observer of the other two. It’s a useful position for gathering information and noticing relationship dynamics going on between them. In third position, if you were to refer to yourself in first or second position, you’d use third person pronouns such as “he”, “she” or “they”. The variants of this position are:
Pure Third: This is a Perceptual Position outside the first two, but with a history of having been in each of the other two positions. This position may have beliefs or assumptions about either of them.
Meta: This is a Perceptual Position outside the first two, but with a history of having been in only the first position previously, so it may only have beliefs or assumptions about first position. Regarding second position, it suspends any beliefs or assumptions.
Observer: This third position is outside the first two, but it suspends any beliefs or assumptions about both first and second positions. Sometimes I call this the “friendly visitor from outer space who has just arrived” position. A good way to get into this position is by noticing really obvious things, such as the fact that the person in first position is bipedal and has two eyes. If first and second positions are communicating with each other, you might notice that they make funny noises and respond to each other in curious ways. From there you can begin to observe more complex patterns and interactions.
Fourth Position: This is a Perceptual Position which is a synthesis of all the others, a sense of being the whole system. From this position you can see the genesis and effects of all the other positions and their interactions, and notice large patterns which transcend individual identities, parts and relationships.
Fourth Position: This is a Perceptual Position which is a synthesis of all the others, a sense of being the whole system. From this position you can see the genesis and effects of all the other positions and their interactions, and notice large patterns which transcend individual identities, parts and relationships.
The Power of Empathy – Connection
I love the video by Brene Brown on what Empathy is, and how she describes that the connection is often times what helps people. If you haven’t seen the video before, here it is below:
Empathy Overuse – Being Stuck in Second Position
Now that we understand what perceptual positions are, it is easier to understand what might be going on in the head of someone who is overusing the Empathy Talent Theme. For those who are not familiar with the Empathy Talent Theme, here is a description of it from the Gallup Business Journal:
You can sense the emotions of those around you. You can feel what they are feeling as though their feelings are your own. Intuitively, you are able to see the world through their eyes and share their perspective. You do not necessarily agree with each person’s perspective. You do not necessarily feel pity for each person’s predicament — this would be sympathy, not Empathy. You do not necessarily condone the choices each person makes, but you do understand. This instinctive ability to understand is powerful. You hear the unvoiced questions. You anticipate the need. Where others grapple for words, you seem to find the right words and the right tone. You help people find the right phrases to express their feelings — to themselves as well as to others. You help them give voice to their emotional life. For all these reasons other people are drawn to you.
Which position do you see a person high in Empathy spending a lot of time in? Chances are, one who is over using Empathy is holding on to the 2nd Position, and being fully associated with it. When we so fully associate with another person’s situation, we can sometimes also enter into the same negativity that person is feeling.
One Solution to Empathy Overuse – Moving to First and Third Position
If Empathy is one of your dominant talent themes, here are a few steps to managing it:
- Check your own emotions and notice when you are starting to feel overwhelmed with emotions with regards to another person’s situation.
- Check if you are now taking the second person perceptual position, and are fully associated with all the emotions.
- Disassociate from the second position, and assume the first position. Differentiate the between your own feelings from the feelings of the other person. Identify what you are feeling and what it means for you? (Often times this is also linked to a belief or value when you feel strongly about something)
- Assume the Third Position, and disassociate from the feelings from the First and Second Position. Now look and ask yourself, what would be a useful thing for you to do?
- Reassume the First Position, evaluation the idea, and take appropriate action!
There are times that we may need to switch between each of the perceptual positions a few times before we come to an action that we can take, but the skill of being able to assume different perceptual positions can be a critical one for someone with Empathy, especially if one is often over-using it and feeling helpless as a result of it.
Do you have Empathy in your Dominant Themes? Have your felt other’s emotions so strongly that you end up getting stuck? Share your thoughts and stories in the comments below now.
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