I recently caught up with a friend who is a counsellor, and one of the topics we touched on was on separating the problem from a person’s identity. For example, saying “I’m Diabetic” vs “I have diabetes” are two very different statements. “I’m Diabetic” brings the condition up to the level of identity, internalises it and almost always implies that change is impossible. “I have diabetes” keeps the condition at the level of environment, externalises it, and creates space and hope for change. The other interesting this is what it does when we are trying to solve a problem. Most of the time, we are focused on getting rid of the problem, when we make the person the problem (“He is a lier” or “She is a whore”) the way to get rid of the problem this is to get rid of the person. And this can result in many relationship breakdowns. But if we can externalise the problem to the behaviour, or the mismatch in expectations, or to use the problem to identify a need to be met, then we keep the problem away from a person’s identify, which makes it much easier to address. Do you have a problem or do you perceive a problem with someone? Notice whether you state the problem at the level of the identity, or at the level of behaviour. If it is stated at the level of identify, try re-stating it at the level of behaviour and see what happens.
